The door opens and closes.
I'm home.
I sit down.
I heavily sigh.
Typing, typing, typing rapidly.
Pause.
Delete. Delete. Delete rapidly.
Walk away.
Sleep and wake up.
Repeat.
Home.
Sit down.
Typing, typing, typing, more.
Pause.
Heavier sigh.
Deleting, deleting, deleting more.
Backspace. Backspace. Backspace.
Both on the keyboard and in my life.
A sigh again. As always, not of release. Not of rejuvenation. Not of breathing in. But of letting out.
Constantly letting out.
Until one day, I may have no more to let out. To give out. To let go of.
I can only sigh and push out air so many times in a row without ever taking in.
Weighed with stress, discomfort and confusion.
Until I eventually will become extremely desperate for air. Fresh air.
God, how much longer will I not be able to breath in?
How much longer will I only breathe out and backspace, backspace, backspace further into my discouragement.
I need to breathe in.
I need the power. The strength to reverse the continuous sighing of despair. The repeatedly breathing out and never taking in.
I need to hit enter somewhere. I need a return to clarity. To hope. To passion and purpose. I need a shift that capitalizes You in my life. That caps lock You and Your plan and what my role is in all this.
There needs to be a shift. An alt in my daily life. I know you are in command and You've got in under control even though all I feel is delete, delete, delete. Even though the pressure to tab into a new window and look somewhere else is there. I know You're here.
After days, weeks, months of growing intensity in confusion and despair. In aloneness. In a state of only becoming more and more desperate for air.
Then it came. So simply. Yet so profoundly.
I was finally able to breathe in. Sitting there, a got a glimmer of hope. I got a small taste of community. As I continued to sit there listening to the exchange of ideas, inspirations, and hope, I felt myself breathe. And it came so easily. So easily that I couldn't help but notice. After breathing in came forced only for mere survival for so long, I could take a deep breath in. I felt inspired. I felt comforted that I was not alone. Like I was no longer surviving, but living vibrantly.
That there are people like me. That feel the same way I do. That get it. That together, will find a way to be heard and understood.
Community. A huge breath of fresh air. A weight off my shoulder. Something that created more typing and no deleting.
Here's to my first post in awhile. One of hope. One I didn't sit down to write and ultimately delete and walk away, knowing it only contained my frustrations and confusion in the moment.
Here's to positivity. This is the good life to live. And it's even more refreshing with a community to share it with.
The future does look bright.
So if you're feeling alone and discouraged. Find community. I need you. You need me.
Take a deep breath in. And move forward.
