Pride isn't Pretty

Pride isn't pretty. It's also one of the hardest things to recognize in oneself. i have pride. I struggle with it everyday. So I wrote something for me to read every day to remind myself about pride and how hidden it can be beneath my own actions and thoughts. And to hopefully help myself against the fight of a prideful life. Maybe it can help you too if you struggle with pride. 

Here goes. 

Well that was wrong.

That shouldn't have been.

That was wrong.

That shouldn't have happened.

That was wrong.

They were wrong. 

I should say why I am right.

I have a right to feel hurt. 

They were wrong to say that. 

Do that. 

React that way. 

Treat me that way.

Repeat those actions. 

They should know why I'm right.

It makes me feel better.

It will show them why they are wrong.

Maybe it will cause them to feel guilty.

Because they were wrong. 

I should cut them off.

I will react in a way that punishes them.

Because I have pride. 

But I can't admit that I do.

And I have too much pride to completely forgive without limits. 

Because I disguise my pride with what I think is good intentions.

I have to protect myself. 

They were wrong. 

Plus I am right. And right to feel this way.

Pride is the most hidden sin. The least obvious to myself. 

Its obvious to recognize other sins, like cheating and lying. It's hard to realize the pride in my heart is just as much of a sin as any of the more obvious ones. 

I will without realizing reword and completely rearrange events in my mind to make myself the victim. 

Because I'm seeing through prideful lenses. 

I will play victim to make them know they are wrong. To everyone. 

But I don't know I do this. 

Pride produces a pretty large bias towards oneself. 

It's hard to forgive. Really truly forgive.

 If I have pride. 

If I'm so right then there is no resolve possible. 

Even though no one is ever 100% right, including myself. 

I don't actually want a resolution. 

I want to be right.

So I will let them know through my actions how wrong they were. 

How much they hurt me. 

For the rest of their lives.

Pride is binding. It has chained me up. 

Pride has kept me from truly forgiving.

Because forgiveness, true authentic forgiveness comes with no strings attached. 

Forgiveness means to open my heart and to trust in spite of what happened. 

To honestly try for a better relationship.

Without holding the past as ammunition ready to fire off at anytime. 

I have not forgiven if I still look for ways to guard myself. 

To punish the one who wronged me.

And until I kill my pride, I cannot forgive. 

I cannot free myself.

Because after all, I'm right. 

To say this. 

To feel that. 

To react like this. 

Because they were wrong.

I'm blind.

But I am thankful that Jesus, who was deeply wronged by me, still forgave me and forgives me every day. 

Who was spit at.

Punched. 

 Hit. 

Yelled at.

Betrayed. 

Back stabbed. 

 Who looked in the faces of those who hurt him. 

Who were wrong to him and instead of saying:

They were wrong.

They hurt me.

I have a right to feel hurt. 

Instead, he forgave.

In a way that is so contrary to human flesh. 

And he willingly hung on a cross. When he could have chose otherwise. And in the face of those who unrightfully hurt him, he prayed, "Father forgive them."

No room for pride in the heart of those who are filled with pure forgiveness. And from that, comes love.

And that love drove him up a cross. 

And he hung there. 

In front of all who was wrong.

And forgave them. 

And died.

A horrible death. 

For them. The wrong ones. 

For those who spit on his face. Who hurt his feelings. Who hurt those he loved. 

And he forgives everyday. And without his forgiveness, I wouldn't have a chance.

And yet everyday, I proclaim to live the Christian life. 

Yet, I am full of

Pride. 

I look for ways to

Justify. 

I was wronged. 

. 

So was Jesus. and he still forgave.

What's my excuse? What am I 

Not

Willing 

To 

Fully 

Forgive? 

I would encourage all of us to ask Jesus about those who wronged us. And ask him what he thinks.

After all, he knows better than anyone how it feels to be wronged. 

To be hurt. 

And still, forgive. 

And he forgives us daily.

I wonder if He would listen to our prayers a little more intently if we prayed,  "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us." And actually mean it like he meant it when he prayed.

How many times are we supposed to forgive? I think Jesus said somewhere around 70 times 7 every day. And in the same breath he said our Father will extend no mercy unto us if we cannot forgive our brothers. It's humbling to think about how the amount of mercy we show others is the same amount we get back. 

I would be embarrassed to look into the face of God today and tell him all the reasons why I rightfully did not fully forgive someone and kept them out of my life, knowing all that he forgave me of when he had all the right to not show me forgiveness. 

I struggle with pride. 

Pride isn't pretty. 

Inwardly.

And it shows outwardly. 

I hope I can be forgiving. 

Because one day, I will need forgiveness. And I hope the reaction I get is not one of:

"Well you were wrong.

I have a right to be hurt." 

But if that is the reaction I have towards others, then it's the reaction I will likely get back. 

I need a lot of mercy so I will show a lot of mercy. 

Pride isn't pretty. 

But full forgiveness is freedom. 

And freedom is beautiful. 

Take a deep breath in.

The door opens and closes. 

I'm home. 

I sit down. 

I heavily sigh. 

Typing, typing, typing rapidly. 

Pause. 

Delete. Delete. Delete rapidly. 

Walk away. 

Sleep and wake up.

Repeat. 

Home.

Sit down.

Typing, typing, typing, more.

Pause.

Heavier sigh. 

Deleting, deleting, deleting more.

Backspace. Backspace. Backspace. 

Both on the keyboard and in my life. 

A sigh again.  As always, not of release. Not of rejuvenation. Not of breathing in. But of letting out. 

Constantly letting out. 

Until one day, I may have no more to let out. To give out. To let go of. 

I can only sigh and push out air so many times in a row without ever taking in.

Weighed with stress, discomfort and confusion. 

Until I eventually will become extremely desperate for air. Fresh air. 

God, how much longer will I not be able to breath in? 

How much longer will I only breathe out and backspace, backspace, backspace further into my discouragement.  

I need to breathe in. 

I need the power. The strength to reverse the continuous sighing of despair. The repeatedly breathing out and never taking in. 

I need to hit enter somewhere. I need a return to clarity. To hope. To passion and purpose. I need a shift that capitalizes You in my life. That caps lock You and Your plan and what my role is in all this. 

There needs to be a shift. An alt in my daily life. I know you are in command and You've got in under control even though all I feel is delete, delete, delete.  Even though the pressure to tab into a new window and look somewhere else is there. I know You're here. 

After days, weeks, months of growing intensity in confusion and despair. In aloneness. In a state of only becoming more and more desperate for air. 

Then it came. So simply. Yet so profoundly. 

I was finally able to breathe in. Sitting there, a got a glimmer of hope. I got a small taste of community. As I continued to sit there listening to the exchange of ideas, inspirations, and hope, I felt myself breathe. And it came so easily. So easily that I couldn't help but notice. After breathing in came forced only for mere survival for so long, I could take a deep breath in. I felt inspired. I felt comforted that I was not alone. Like I was no longer surviving, but living vibrantly. 

That there are people like me. That feel the same way I do. That get it. That together, will find a way to be heard and understood. 

Community. A huge breath of fresh air. A weight off my shoulder. Something that created more typing and no deleting. 

Here's to my first post in awhile. One of hope. One I didn't sit down to write and ultimately delete and walk away, knowing it only contained my frustrations and confusion in the moment. 

Here's to positivity. This is the good life to live. And it's even more refreshing with a community to share it with. 

The future does look bright.

So if you're feeling alone and discouraged. Find community. I need you. You need me. 

Take a deep breath in. And move forward.