My take on Christmas

It's innocence.

It's peace.

It's quietness.

That as I age 

These three become sweeter 

As more Decembers pass by.

It's the only time of year

Where guilt I do not feel

For stepping away from all 

Except my family.

In my Christmas 

The world closes down. 

And Jesus and my family

Have a lot of time together. 

It's where I have open days and nights 

To simply sit and stare out the window.

To stay home. 

To indulge in blank space of time. 

To hold the hands of my family.

And let my lap feel the weight of littles 

Who are experiencing this time of year for the first time.

And we'll treasure the texture of smooth pages of books.

We'll hold a lot of hot cups of drink.

And we'll talk about all the good in the year

And how Jesus has been good to us yet again for another full year.

And we'll look at pictures.

And smile.

And compare the growth of the littles.

And then reflect internally on our own growth. 

And Jesus will be all in it. And all about it.

Spiritual as it may.

To bake cookies in the kitchen with my sister.

And listen to my husband tell those littles the story of Jesus' birth in the background.

And maybe we'll spend a little money. 

On a gift or two. 

And unwrap a thing or two we need.

Symbolic to us of the gift of God in our lives that we unwrap daily. 

And maybe we'll cry.

Tears of happiness.

Of being together. Alive. And healthy. 

And thank God for these things. 

And we will put up a light or two. 

And fill our home with scents of the time

of year. 

And be thankful to God for everything.

December is a spiritual month for me. 

Also an emotional one.

It's the highlight of my childhood. I grew up looking forwards to this time of year for 23 years now.

I can still close my eyes and see my Papa's face. As he smiled at my cousins and I running around the living room. It's the time of year when we all came together in one place at one time.

I can still hear my Nina bustling around in the kitchen with a rag wiping the counter in one hand and stirring dinner in the other. 

Christmas is the only thing I have left that closely reminds me of them and all they gave me. 

So pardon me I pray 

Those that may not understand.

For most of my life is wrapped around this time of year.

For me it's big.

It's special.

It's tender.

It's necessary. 

It's good.

It's innocent. 

It's Christmas time.

No work. 

No tasks to be done

except to be with God and my family. 

It's a time of rejuvenation for me. 

Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. 

It's for the first time all month 

That I stay home in the evenings after work. 

And then stay home from work too. 

To stare out the window.

And watch the snow fall.

And be so close to my God and my

Family. 

I close everything out.

For this one time a year. 

And reflect. And believe. 

So as I draw in for this week, 

May God be near you this time of year and all year.

I often feel His hand closest this time of year. 

I hope you can to. 

See you all in you 2017. 

Merry Christmas. 

"Happily Uncomfortable"

I hope it disturbs me
If the only friends I have
Are Christians
Are the people I see on Sunday.

I hope it is unsettling within
If the only people I talk to
And the only people I know
And the only people I spend time with
Are the people who live just like me.

Who already have the same answers I do.
Who don't need what I have because they already have it too.

I hope it makes me uncomfortable
If I can knowingly go a week without
Connecting with someone I don't know.
Without making an effort to make a friend.
Without looking for an avenue to go for coffee, to create a friendship that opens up the path for me to be able to tell them

Where that happiness, joy, peace, and steadiness comes from and how I want to spread it.

Right now,
I am uncomfortable
And I am glad I am.

Because I am not here on this earth
To spend time with only Christians.

I was not saved to just be saved.
I have a role to play.

And I hope I always remain uncomfortable
No matter what stage of life I am in
Or where I rank in my community

I will never exempt myself
From the call that every single one of us as Christians receive.

Because if I do everything else
Except purposely reaching others
Then I have done nothing.

And if I find myself living daily life
In a way that is not conducive to connecting with others,
Then I hope I see that.
I hope I change my daily routine
In order to place myself within the paths of others.

I hope I stay uncomfortable
Even when I do make connections.
Because it will keep me
Trying and trying and trying.  

Thanks God for all of these:

I'm thankful. 

For sight. The ability to see the sunsets and sunrises (And the ability to sleep peacefully in between these two occurrences every time they happen). Sight to see the multi-dimensions of life. The colours of everyone and everything. 

For touch. The ability to physically feel textures. To feel pain. For it means my nerves are working properly. To feel her growing brilliant head beneath my patting palm when I pat it as she twirls in a puffy dress. 

For taste. The ability to swallow food. Because not everyone can physically swallow or have any food available to swallow. 

For sound. The ability to hear every note. Every car go by. Every voice that speaks to me. 

For clarity of mind. The ability to think. The power to learn knowledge. 

For my tongue. To speak. To create unity and connection with words. 

For the English language. To communicate with most of the world.

For the experiences both the past and future, both good and bad. Because it means I'm alive. 

For a home. With a couch and hot tea to fill my cups. 

For soap to cleanse my skin. Because not everyone has the benefit of accessing cleansers to bring them to health bodily. 

For dirty dishes and dirty laundry. Because it means we have jobs to wear our clothes to. And food to dirty our plates. 

For a muddy rug and entry way. Because it means dirty shoes that went places today. And it means my husband had work that day. 

For lungs that work. And feet that carry me. 

For a recovered heart that has the ability to love and to understand. 

For mountains to climb whenever I need them. 

For water. To drink. To cleanse. 

For time. 

For my two nieces who drew love out of me that I didn't know was inside. 

For eyes to watch every first crawl. Ears to hear every first word she says. 

For him. Who married me. And who is as gentle and kind as the day we began together. 

For my single one blood sibling. For her friendship. And her attentiveness to my life. 

For friends who care. And fall with me and take my arm to get me and them up too. 

For my husband's father and mother. And all my brothers. Who are there whenever I call. 

For fireplaces and cookies. 

And toothpaste to brush off the sugar at the end of the day. 

For a community of believers. 

For a very good book that determines everything I do in my life.

And for the ability to read it for myself. 

For light bulbs, candles, and heat. 

For paper and pen. 

For advanced technology.

For the new people I will meet. 

For the death of the One who gave me life. 

For the growing relationship I have with Him.

I'm thankful. 

Lastly but the greatest of all,

For the God who not only gave me all of things above but the ability to be thankful for each one of them. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Be thankful today. 

 (And maybe make a really long list too. You'll start to realize just how good life really is and how much you really have.) 

Sandals and Boots, Boots and Sandals

Seasons.

Every time I think I have a favourite time of year, I change my mind when the new one comes around.

Summer is never long enough for me considering my roots. Until those first cold crisp evenings settle in and I have to bring out those cozy warm sweaters that I love.

And I watch as the swiftly turning leaves dry up and fall to the ground.

And the spice of cinnamon and nutmeg get into every pastry and drink and candle.

And I want the browns and oranges and deep greens to fill my apparel and the throws on my couch.

And the evenings begin to fill with Fall pleasantries. Thanksgiving. Pumpkin Festivals. Hot drinks.

The transition of family time.
We begin to sit around the family room more often with each of our own hot drinks in hand.
Instead of running around in the warm summer evenings, the sun sets faster and we settle in together at home.

Then it's that first snow fall.
And the earmuffs and gloves cover our ears and fingers.
And we go sliding down that first snowy hill.
And we try building that first snowman of the season.

And then before you know it,
The layers become less.
The snow boots are replaced for ones better suited for rain.

And the sun shines a bit longer.
And the leaves come back on the branches in their bright fresh colours.

And before you know it,
Another year has gone by.

Another set of 4 seasons has run it's cycle.
And soon the sandals will all too quickly be replaced with boots again.

And I realize, I might as well appreciate all the goodness in every season.
From sandals to boots. Boots to sandals.
They change so swiftly, that if I don't choose to enjoy it rapidly, it will pass me by and take with it,
A set of precious months and a chunk of time I will not ever get back.

Time is precious.
Seasons are precious.

And with every changing season,
I hope I took advantage of each one.
Instead of frowning about the cold that begins to settle in.

Good Morning

Light a candle. 
Then, actually sit down to breathe it's calming scent inside you.  

Next, let that natural morning light come in. 
And enjoy it. 

Make a hot drink. And actually notice the way it soothes the morning throat.
 And drink it until you see the bottom of the cup. 

Open up the windows.
And look through them for awhile.

Open up the door.
And let the newly made air into your body. 

This is morning time. 

Take in fresh.
Take in new. 

Morning, there is something about you. 
Maybe its the temporarily rested brain I have for a few moments as I sit and drink something warm. 
Maybe its that I know, restless sleep or not, that cool crisp air will still settle within my body every morning.
And I'll breath it back out to take in a bit more.


Inhale.
Exhale.


Inhale.
Exhale.


A new day has come.
And no matter how many overwhelming tasks may fill it,
Its a fresh start. 


And I'll take this day, one moment at a time. 


Some years, its one week at a time.
Some weeks, its one day at a time.
Some days, its one hour at a time.
And even some hours, I pace myself and if I have to, I'll take one minute at a time.


Its okay to slice up the day into however many increments needed to accomplish the day. 
God has given us time for a reason.


Maybe its because we're human. 
Maybe its because he understood that without minutes, hours, days, sunrises and sunsets, we would become overwhelmed. 


He is good. So good and so knowing about the inner workings of our own minds that He knew just how to set time in it's perfect cycle for us to accomplish this life. 


Take advantage of His goodness. 
Take a minute at a time if you have to in some moments.

Choose to breathe in and out. 
Take in the start of each day.


And remind yourself,
He is here.


Inhale.
Exhale.


A sigh a relief. Maybe several sighs of relief today.
Because somedays, I need more reminders than others of his presence. 

Just like the morning consistently provides a fresh start.
 He is here. 

So breathe, and take Him with you every second at a time. 

We and God

Defence. 

It's hard. It's cruel.

It's intention isn't to seek a solution.

But to only to make a point.

To stand tall.

To be right. 

To defend and protect ourselves. 

Sounds selfish. 

Sometimes, being right all the time 

Is wrong. 

Be willing to be open. To listen. 

To find a solution. 

It's hard when your heart is hardened.

It's hard to be soft when you're looking to only defend. 

What good is your point 

If you can't listen to the others.

Kindness is never a bad idea. 

Respectful understanding is possible.

Instead of being defensive

Try listening.

Try unity. 

One solution together is more effective than two opposing solutions. 

If you want to get somewhere, 

Open up. 

Listen. 

Be respectful of what others have to say.

Give others a chance. 

Because maybe they are right. 

Chances are

 It will do more than defence will. 

Not I will.

But we will. 

We and God.

I will just be your friend.

I hope to find it easier to smile than to frown.

To be humble than proud.

Kind than rude.

To be Christian. 

I hope to be a genuine friend. 

One that tells you how I truly feel. 

One that speaks the truth in love. 

I hope to hear more from you, God. 

On my own time. 

When it's just the two of us. 

And there. Is where I find Him most.

In the times where I let myself be still.

When I sit. 

And sometimes, where words do spill from my fingers.

And when I go back to read what I have written, I know He is here with me. 

When the sun makes it's full bridge across the sky, I know He is here.

I do not fear Him. 

I am becoming more and more aware of just how much He loves me.

And I hope to show you, love-less bodies that walk past me daily, just how to be filled with it. 

I hope that through my kindness, love will transfer and you will see Him. 

I hope through the consistent, gentle, and truthful lifestyle I chose daily, He will somehow reach you. 

I won't try to sell you something. 

In our generation, door knocking doesn't seem to be effective. 

You will want to know what you're buying into. You will want to understand. You will not quickly jump to a life changing decision. 

I hope though that when you decide to look into it, I can be a testament to the clear love of God. 

I understand your need for it to make sense first. I was born in the same generation as you. I get it. 

I don't have it all figured out. I myself don't see it clearly. I will I hope someday soon. 

But while I am waiting for those answers, I'll be here. Keeping my life clear of
smudges so that when I walk past you, and interact with you, you can see through this walking glass and get a crystal view of God's perfect Love.

 After all, that is what He called me to do.

To show Him you. To Be His love in Calgary. 

Calgary, I am coming for you. In a consistent, loving, kind, Christian lifestyle that is ready to be your friend and share His story.

Sharing it by showing how it changed me. 

I will not force it to you. 

And neither would  God. 

For it is much more meaningful when you desire it yourself. 

So when you are tired of sitting in the dark, you know where to go. 

Because you have a friend of the Light. 

A Good Teacher

What makes a good teacher? 

A debatable topic for sure this one. 

Mostly because a good teacher depends on individuals. What I mean by that is what I define as a good teacher may be different than what you define as a good teacher. The reason for this is because I have different experiences than you, you have different kinds of relationships than I do, and we both have different lives that have shaped our own different perspectives. These experiences and perspectives are brought to the table and used to determine what we see as good and bad teachers. 

There is nothing wrong with this. Experiences will shape our view. Experiences are prescribed into our lenses and strongly influence how we see people and furthermore, how these people make us feel, how we receive their actions, and how much we will allow them to influence us. 

A classroom of 20 students physically has one teacher but really, has 20 teachers. That teacher will be received differently in 20 different ways and be understated in 20 different ways.

We could all have the same teacher treat us the same with the same approach, same consequences,  and deliver the same lessons. Yet,  we turn out to be completely different students from one another. One of us may be hurt and the other confused. 

One of us may learn better visually and the other may learn in an auditory way. 

One lesson taught by giving a lecture next to a blank wall may be received well by you. I would walk away confused likely and perhaps without fully grasping the concept. 

Another lesson  taught with objects and graphs with vivid pictures would be received better by me. You may walk away confused this time whereas I would feel full because I am a visual learner. 

A teacher understands the different ways individuals learn best. A good teacher will use all of these methods to increase the likelihood that a sea of individual people with different learning methods all learned some thing and grasped the concept. 

We also define teachers as good or bad based on our emotional experiences. For example, if a student was verbally abused at one point in his or her life, then a teacher who yells or raises their voice as they teach a lesson will come across completely different to that student. The student may feel fear and be closed off to anything that is being taught. 

A good teacher takes into account all the possibilities of emotional experiences and finds an appropriate tone that will successfully communicate the lesson to all the students with all of their individual emotional experiences. 

A teacher cannot cater to every individual need. However, I do believe good teachers can at least understand these differences and find a medium that will be most successful in a diverse atmosphere. 

A good teacher does not strike fear in students. A good teacher is calm, gentle, and yet clear and concise. 

If you look at a classroom today and compare it with a classroom even a few years ago, then you would find major differences. A few  years ago, a teacher was allowed to smack the hand of a student who misbehaved in the classroom. This was received well in that generation. Respect was demanded according to the position an individual had. A student was taught to respect the teacher and the lesson whether they understood and agreed or not. Questions were usually looked down upon if they lead to a contrary view then what was being taught. Disagreement was viewed as disrespect and there were consequences and many unanswered questions. What was left were students who knew the concepts but not the reasons behind them. 

The students of today have a very different understanding of what successful teaching looks like. Its not the smack of a ruler, a raised voice, or consequences that fearfully motivated a student to accept the lesson without question. 

A good teacher today is one that is clear but also gentle. One that spends time with the students and not just with other teachers. One that would sit down and have conversations about the lessons with the students. One that would hear the students out and hear their points of view. 

A good teacher is loyal to the students and not the position. A good teacher has the students best interest in mind and not their own.  A good teacher spends most of their time listening to the students and doing their best to answer any questions. A good teacher understands that in order for a student to truly grasp the concept, they have to teach in a way that doesn't force the students to accept but that allows the students to reach the point of acceptance on their own. Force develops robots that know the basics but doest not understand the values beneath them. 

Students that are left with the points but cannot defend them.

 Lessons that are forced using fear and emotion usually stay there with the temporary emotion. 

A good teacher knows how to encourage students to not only understand the concept but to fully accept it because all doubts were able to be answered. Teachers who refuse questions lead students to believe that there is a lack of truth in the concept being taught. 

Students today view disrespect and disagreement as two different things. Students today view good teachers as one that is down-to-earth, approachable, and equally respectful of what the students have to say. 

Rest

No.

One of the smallest words. 

One of the hardest words.

To say. And to do. 

For those who put themselves last. 

For those who give out over and over and over. 

For those who are always helping others.

Always doing something all the time.

Those.

Those are they,

Who cannot say no.

They, who 

Cannot turn someone down without feeling a major wave of guilt after the word dodges their clinched teeth and forcefully makes its way out.

A guilt so heavy it would have been lighter to say yes and carry through yet another task.

Sometimes it's easier to just say yes. 

For those who would feel guilty at watching something go undone when they could have done it and said "yes." 

But 

A wise friend once said, "scheduled rest is not unproductive." 

It's okay to say no. 

Not everything can be done by the same person.

Self-preservation is something that is okay to do and necessary at times. 

Yes, it is okay to stay home one evening a week and rest. 

It is okay to give time to spend with your family.

 To take a walk.

 To read a book. 

To get an early nights sleep.

 To do nothing.

If you have stayed home for more than one evening a week to rest, then maybe this isn't for you. Most of the people I know and love dearly have to schedule in an evening to simply to nothing because all other days are filled with "yes", away from family dinner time, away from home, and yes, away from good sleep and rest. 

Some of the hardest working people I know are within my age group. 

One thing I am proud of is to be a part of a generation who works hard, without the need of affirmation. They are not lazy. You can count on them working in some type of capacity all the time. 

But can I remind my generation that it is okay to say no. It is okay to not carry everything on our shoulders all the time. 

God doesn't except us to never rest. He excepts us to do our best with what he has given us. And he has also given us the perfect amount of energy for those very things. And He will be enough. And yes, we can rest in Him. 

I appreciate and value all of the hard workers I know. You are important to me.

He Sustains Me.

Why I believe in God:

There are quite a few "why's". 

But one reason I believe in God is the way he has sustained me or rather put people in my life to sustain me. 

I'm not biologically fatherless. None of us are. But from the age of 6, I lost a father emotionally and physically. He wasn't there. 

And I don't have many memories of him. Or my childhood prior to the age of 6. My mind created a defining moment during the time I became fatherless in certain ways. And that's all I am left with. 

This subject is a bit uncomfortable for me. Not because it makes me vulnerable, but because I have never liked the idea of using my losses in life as a way to get compassion and pity. I don't want others to feel sorry for me. 

Because honestly, I can say I didn't miss out on much. And what I mean by that is that God has continually placed someone in my life to sustain me in all the ways I would seem fatherless growing up. Looking back on my life, I see so many people who took a missing piece of my fatherless puzzle and filled it for a length of time. 

That's one primary reason why I believe in God. When all the statistics show I shouldn't be where I am today. That I shouldn't be a healthy human being, both in body and mind because I am fatherless. That I shouldn't know how to love fully and I shouldn't understand the father-daughter relationship because I lacked one. That I should be mentally ill, homeless, or extremely emotionally wrecked. That is the research, the science, and the numbers for people who have a childhood like I did. 

But God defies all of those. He doesn't work in finite numbers and science all the time. He is above that.

So when I tell you, I grew up without a father, and that at 6 years old I witnessed events that young eyes like mine should never have to see, but did. And yet, defied the odds and defied the statistics, it's because of God.

Not anything I did. But my whole life I have rested in the palm of his hand and watched him continually fill in that hole with people who love me. 

I believe in God because really, I should not  be who I am today and where I am today and have the healthy happy relationships I have with people when considering my childhood. I believe in God because my own life is an example what should be impossible. 

He sustains me. 

Staying Teachable

What would I have done differently?

I'm inspired by my eldest brother all the time. Every time I see him do something different, I think to myself, "hey, that's a great idea. I should do that too." 

He started a blog. Me too. 

He wrote about what he would tell his younger self now that he is older. Me too. 

I respect him and find that much of what he writes causes me to think of my own life. 

I've decided to answer the question, "what would I have done differently in my younger years?" 

Granted, I am still very young. But old enough to look back and think about what I would have done differently when I was younger. At 23, I have realized that the more of life I live, the more I realize how much I don't know. It's funny. But true.

I have learned more in one year than I have in a span of 5 years of my younger ages. It's interesting. 

I never liked the idea of using age as power. You know, the idea of even if you are one year older than me, you know more. Or because I am 2 years older than you, I know more. That's not true necessarily. 

I believe I can learn from anyone. I am learning just as much from my 3 year old niece as I from my 21 year old husband and my 53 year old mother. 

I believe we can learn from anyone. We shouldn't use our age to determine who can influence and teach us. If we find ourselves blocking people off and placing them on limits because of their age as far as what they teach us, then we are doing a disservice for them and us. 

I never liked the idea that because she goes to school, or because he is married, or because they have this much money, or because he/she is this age determines what they know or don't know. 

Using people's age and state of life isn't something we should measure their knowledge or experience by. There are people younger than me that in some ways have more life experience than I do in one area or another. 

People that use their condition of life (married/single, older/younger, educated/uneducated) as power or reason  to determine how much they know verses how much you do, is someone who quite frankly has a lot more to learn.

Whoever you are, whether married, or unmarried, rich or poor, college degrees or just started kindergarten, you can teach me something. I want to learn from everyone. Not just from those are in my state of life or older than me. 

I want to learn from people from all walks of life. And I don't wish to use my status in life as a reason that I know more or less. We are all different and we all learn things at different stages. I am not better than you because of my age or status in life. 

I need you to teach me. 

If there is one thing I would have told my younger self, it's to be open and teachable. To know I can learn something from anyone and not just those who are like me or who are older than me. 

Finally, I would have told myself to not use my age as a reason to determine how much I know and to use that against people who are younger than me. 

Stay teachable. And be willing to learn from anyone. Even 3 year olds can teach you a thing or two about life. Even a 6 month old baby can teach you, if you want to learn. I know my little nieces have taught me. 

Pride isn't Pretty

Pride isn't pretty. It's also one of the hardest things to recognize in oneself. i have pride. I struggle with it everyday. So I wrote something for me to read every day to remind myself about pride and how hidden it can be beneath my own actions and thoughts. And to hopefully help myself against the fight of a prideful life. Maybe it can help you too if you struggle with pride. 

Here goes. 

Well that was wrong.

That shouldn't have been.

That was wrong.

That shouldn't have happened.

That was wrong.

They were wrong. 

I should say why I am right.

I have a right to feel hurt. 

They were wrong to say that. 

Do that. 

React that way. 

Treat me that way.

Repeat those actions. 

They should know why I'm right.

It makes me feel better.

It will show them why they are wrong.

Maybe it will cause them to feel guilty.

Because they were wrong. 

I should cut them off.

I will react in a way that punishes them.

Because I have pride. 

But I can't admit that I do.

And I have too much pride to completely forgive without limits. 

Because I disguise my pride with what I think is good intentions.

I have to protect myself. 

They were wrong. 

Plus I am right. And right to feel this way.

Pride is the most hidden sin. The least obvious to myself. 

Its obvious to recognize other sins, like cheating and lying. It's hard to realize the pride in my heart is just as much of a sin as any of the more obvious ones. 

I will without realizing reword and completely rearrange events in my mind to make myself the victim. 

Because I'm seeing through prideful lenses. 

I will play victim to make them know they are wrong. To everyone. 

But I don't know I do this. 

Pride produces a pretty large bias towards oneself. 

It's hard to forgive. Really truly forgive.

 If I have pride. 

If I'm so right then there is no resolve possible. 

Even though no one is ever 100% right, including myself. 

I don't actually want a resolution. 

I want to be right.

So I will let them know through my actions how wrong they were. 

How much they hurt me. 

For the rest of their lives.

Pride is binding. It has chained me up. 

Pride has kept me from truly forgiving.

Because forgiveness, true authentic forgiveness comes with no strings attached. 

Forgiveness means to open my heart and to trust in spite of what happened. 

To honestly try for a better relationship.

Without holding the past as ammunition ready to fire off at anytime. 

I have not forgiven if I still look for ways to guard myself. 

To punish the one who wronged me.

And until I kill my pride, I cannot forgive. 

I cannot free myself.

Because after all, I'm right. 

To say this. 

To feel that. 

To react like this. 

Because they were wrong.

I'm blind.

But I am thankful that Jesus, who was deeply wronged by me, still forgave me and forgives me every day. 

Who was spit at.

Punched. 

 Hit. 

Yelled at.

Betrayed. 

Back stabbed. 

 Who looked in the faces of those who hurt him. 

Who were wrong to him and instead of saying:

They were wrong.

They hurt me.

I have a right to feel hurt. 

Instead, he forgave.

In a way that is so contrary to human flesh. 

And he willingly hung on a cross. When he could have chose otherwise. And in the face of those who unrightfully hurt him, he prayed, "Father forgive them."

No room for pride in the heart of those who are filled with pure forgiveness. And from that, comes love.

And that love drove him up a cross. 

And he hung there. 

In front of all who was wrong.

And forgave them. 

And died.

A horrible death. 

For them. The wrong ones. 

For those who spit on his face. Who hurt his feelings. Who hurt those he loved. 

And he forgives everyday. And without his forgiveness, I wouldn't have a chance.

And yet everyday, I proclaim to live the Christian life. 

Yet, I am full of

Pride. 

I look for ways to

Justify. 

I was wronged. 

. 

So was Jesus. and he still forgave.

What's my excuse? What am I 

Not

Willing 

To 

Fully 

Forgive? 

I would encourage all of us to ask Jesus about those who wronged us. And ask him what he thinks.

After all, he knows better than anyone how it feels to be wronged. 

To be hurt. 

And still, forgive. 

And he forgives us daily.

I wonder if He would listen to our prayers a little more intently if we prayed,  "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us." And actually mean it like he meant it when he prayed.

How many times are we supposed to forgive? I think Jesus said somewhere around 70 times 7 every day. And in the same breath he said our Father will extend no mercy unto us if we cannot forgive our brothers. It's humbling to think about how the amount of mercy we show others is the same amount we get back. 

I would be embarrassed to look into the face of God today and tell him all the reasons why I rightfully did not fully forgive someone and kept them out of my life, knowing all that he forgave me of when he had all the right to not show me forgiveness. 

I struggle with pride. 

Pride isn't pretty. 

Inwardly.

And it shows outwardly. 

I hope I can be forgiving. 

Because one day, I will need forgiveness. And I hope the reaction I get is not one of:

"Well you were wrong.

I have a right to be hurt." 

But if that is the reaction I have towards others, then it's the reaction I will likely get back. 

I need a lot of mercy so I will show a lot of mercy. 

Pride isn't pretty. 

But full forgiveness is freedom. 

And freedom is beautiful.