He Sustains Me.

Why I believe in God:

There are quite a few "why's". 

But one reason I believe in God is the way he has sustained me or rather put people in my life to sustain me. 

I'm not biologically fatherless. None of us are. But from the age of 6, I lost a father emotionally and physically. He wasn't there. 

And I don't have many memories of him. Or my childhood prior to the age of 6. My mind created a defining moment during the time I became fatherless in certain ways. And that's all I am left with. 

This subject is a bit uncomfortable for me. Not because it makes me vulnerable, but because I have never liked the idea of using my losses in life as a way to get compassion and pity. I don't want others to feel sorry for me. 

Because honestly, I can say I didn't miss out on much. And what I mean by that is that God has continually placed someone in my life to sustain me in all the ways I would seem fatherless growing up. Looking back on my life, I see so many people who took a missing piece of my fatherless puzzle and filled it for a length of time. 

That's one primary reason why I believe in God. When all the statistics show I shouldn't be where I am today. That I shouldn't be a healthy human being, both in body and mind because I am fatherless. That I shouldn't know how to love fully and I shouldn't understand the father-daughter relationship because I lacked one. That I should be mentally ill, homeless, or extremely emotionally wrecked. That is the research, the science, and the numbers for people who have a childhood like I did. 

But God defies all of those. He doesn't work in finite numbers and science all the time. He is above that.

So when I tell you, I grew up without a father, and that at 6 years old I witnessed events that young eyes like mine should never have to see, but did. And yet, defied the odds and defied the statistics, it's because of God.

Not anything I did. But my whole life I have rested in the palm of his hand and watched him continually fill in that hole with people who love me. 

I believe in God because really, I should not  be who I am today and where I am today and have the healthy happy relationships I have with people when considering my childhood. I believe in God because my own life is an example what should be impossible. 

He sustains me. 

Staying Teachable

What would I have done differently?

I'm inspired by my eldest brother all the time. Every time I see him do something different, I think to myself, "hey, that's a great idea. I should do that too." 

He started a blog. Me too. 

He wrote about what he would tell his younger self now that he is older. Me too. 

I respect him and find that much of what he writes causes me to think of my own life. 

I've decided to answer the question, "what would I have done differently in my younger years?" 

Granted, I am still very young. But old enough to look back and think about what I would have done differently when I was younger. At 23, I have realized that the more of life I live, the more I realize how much I don't know. It's funny. But true.

I have learned more in one year than I have in a span of 5 years of my younger ages. It's interesting. 

I never liked the idea of using age as power. You know, the idea of even if you are one year older than me, you know more. Or because I am 2 years older than you, I know more. That's not true necessarily. 

I believe I can learn from anyone. I am learning just as much from my 3 year old niece as I from my 21 year old husband and my 53 year old mother. 

I believe we can learn from anyone. We shouldn't use our age to determine who can influence and teach us. If we find ourselves blocking people off and placing them on limits because of their age as far as what they teach us, then we are doing a disservice for them and us. 

I never liked the idea that because she goes to school, or because he is married, or because they have this much money, or because he/she is this age determines what they know or don't know. 

Using people's age and state of life isn't something we should measure their knowledge or experience by. There are people younger than me that in some ways have more life experience than I do in one area or another. 

People that use their condition of life (married/single, older/younger, educated/uneducated) as power or reason  to determine how much they know verses how much you do, is someone who quite frankly has a lot more to learn.

Whoever you are, whether married, or unmarried, rich or poor, college degrees or just started kindergarten, you can teach me something. I want to learn from everyone. Not just from those are in my state of life or older than me. 

I want to learn from people from all walks of life. And I don't wish to use my status in life as a reason that I know more or less. We are all different and we all learn things at different stages. I am not better than you because of my age or status in life. 

I need you to teach me. 

If there is one thing I would have told my younger self, it's to be open and teachable. To know I can learn something from anyone and not just those who are like me or who are older than me. 

Finally, I would have told myself to not use my age as a reason to determine how much I know and to use that against people who are younger than me. 

Stay teachable. And be willing to learn from anyone. Even 3 year olds can teach you a thing or two about life. Even a 6 month old baby can teach you, if you want to learn. I know my little nieces have taught me. 

Pride isn't Pretty

Pride isn't pretty. It's also one of the hardest things to recognize in oneself. i have pride. I struggle with it everyday. So I wrote something for me to read every day to remind myself about pride and how hidden it can be beneath my own actions and thoughts. And to hopefully help myself against the fight of a prideful life. Maybe it can help you too if you struggle with pride. 

Here goes. 

Well that was wrong.

That shouldn't have been.

That was wrong.

That shouldn't have happened.

That was wrong.

They were wrong. 

I should say why I am right.

I have a right to feel hurt. 

They were wrong to say that. 

Do that. 

React that way. 

Treat me that way.

Repeat those actions. 

They should know why I'm right.

It makes me feel better.

It will show them why they are wrong.

Maybe it will cause them to feel guilty.

Because they were wrong. 

I should cut them off.

I will react in a way that punishes them.

Because I have pride. 

But I can't admit that I do.

And I have too much pride to completely forgive without limits. 

Because I disguise my pride with what I think is good intentions.

I have to protect myself. 

They were wrong. 

Plus I am right. And right to feel this way.

Pride is the most hidden sin. The least obvious to myself. 

Its obvious to recognize other sins, like cheating and lying. It's hard to realize the pride in my heart is just as much of a sin as any of the more obvious ones. 

I will without realizing reword and completely rearrange events in my mind to make myself the victim. 

Because I'm seeing through prideful lenses. 

I will play victim to make them know they are wrong. To everyone. 

But I don't know I do this. 

Pride produces a pretty large bias towards oneself. 

It's hard to forgive. Really truly forgive.

 If I have pride. 

If I'm so right then there is no resolve possible. 

Even though no one is ever 100% right, including myself. 

I don't actually want a resolution. 

I want to be right.

So I will let them know through my actions how wrong they were. 

How much they hurt me. 

For the rest of their lives.

Pride is binding. It has chained me up. 

Pride has kept me from truly forgiving.

Because forgiveness, true authentic forgiveness comes with no strings attached. 

Forgiveness means to open my heart and to trust in spite of what happened. 

To honestly try for a better relationship.

Without holding the past as ammunition ready to fire off at anytime. 

I have not forgiven if I still look for ways to guard myself. 

To punish the one who wronged me.

And until I kill my pride, I cannot forgive. 

I cannot free myself.

Because after all, I'm right. 

To say this. 

To feel that. 

To react like this. 

Because they were wrong.

I'm blind.

But I am thankful that Jesus, who was deeply wronged by me, still forgave me and forgives me every day. 

Who was spit at.

Punched. 

 Hit. 

Yelled at.

Betrayed. 

Back stabbed. 

 Who looked in the faces of those who hurt him. 

Who were wrong to him and instead of saying:

They were wrong.

They hurt me.

I have a right to feel hurt. 

Instead, he forgave.

In a way that is so contrary to human flesh. 

And he willingly hung on a cross. When he could have chose otherwise. And in the face of those who unrightfully hurt him, he prayed, "Father forgive them."

No room for pride in the heart of those who are filled with pure forgiveness. And from that, comes love.

And that love drove him up a cross. 

And he hung there. 

In front of all who was wrong.

And forgave them. 

And died.

A horrible death. 

For them. The wrong ones. 

For those who spit on his face. Who hurt his feelings. Who hurt those he loved. 

And he forgives everyday. And without his forgiveness, I wouldn't have a chance.

And yet everyday, I proclaim to live the Christian life. 

Yet, I am full of

Pride. 

I look for ways to

Justify. 

I was wronged. 

. 

So was Jesus. and he still forgave.

What's my excuse? What am I 

Not

Willing 

To 

Fully 

Forgive? 

I would encourage all of us to ask Jesus about those who wronged us. And ask him what he thinks.

After all, he knows better than anyone how it feels to be wronged. 

To be hurt. 

And still, forgive. 

And he forgives us daily.

I wonder if He would listen to our prayers a little more intently if we prayed,  "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us." And actually mean it like he meant it when he prayed.

How many times are we supposed to forgive? I think Jesus said somewhere around 70 times 7 every day. And in the same breath he said our Father will extend no mercy unto us if we cannot forgive our brothers. It's humbling to think about how the amount of mercy we show others is the same amount we get back. 

I would be embarrassed to look into the face of God today and tell him all the reasons why I rightfully did not fully forgive someone and kept them out of my life, knowing all that he forgave me of when he had all the right to not show me forgiveness. 

I struggle with pride. 

Pride isn't pretty. 

Inwardly.

And it shows outwardly. 

I hope I can be forgiving. 

Because one day, I will need forgiveness. And I hope the reaction I get is not one of:

"Well you were wrong.

I have a right to be hurt." 

But if that is the reaction I have towards others, then it's the reaction I will likely get back. 

I need a lot of mercy so I will show a lot of mercy. 

Pride isn't pretty. 

But full forgiveness is freedom. 

And freedom is beautiful.